OK, Ok. OK. Ahh...

Ok, so recently I have mostly felt the impulse to write this blog when I have been in complete turmoil: i moan about my boring problems, my mum gets worried that i'm about to throw myself off the Eiffel tower, and there is general self-pitying going about. So here it is: OK? Ok: I feel quite good.

GASP

I know, I actually feel quite good about myself, on the stage, and I fucking love Philippe Gaullier. I think (touch wood - I remember i have written this before) I think I am the other side of the Gaullier tunnel.

I first felt the change when we came back to school after Easter: The three months between Christmas and Easter were hell - a big grimy tunnel of self-doubt and Gaullier truisms - but after a three-week break I returned and felt something had changed. Yes, I have flopped since returning, but I feel a certain 'lightness' that I didn't feel before. And I think I have connected with my 'pleasure and beauty' - These are the Pillars of Gaullism, so if I can hang on to them I will be doing well.

Today we did an improvisation - a socialist meeting - and it was good, Philippe said I was good (well, he said 'OK' but i'll take that) And then he announced "Bon, so loo-loo break. Fifteen minutes. When you come back, you come back as someone else's character" Hazzar! What larks Pip, what a fantastic weeze! We all went to the dressing rooms and frantically swapped our costumes. The results were astonishing - so funny. Everyone returned and tried to imitate their person 'doing' their character. Paul entered as Yuichi's bloodthirsty lesbian character, Adrien entered as Nelly's militant synchronised-swimmer character, It was hilarious to see the behaviours of actors imitated. I swapped characters with Susana - hers is a 'Pirha' a kind of Spanish socialite - leopard-print dress, red shoes and red wig - and I had so much fun! The freedom to play with someone else's behaviour is unbelievable. Before I went on I thought 'I can't really be Susana and talk in English, but I can't speak Spanish, except for a few swear words.' So I entered like Su and talked in a breezy tirade of Spanishy gobledeggok with the occassional 'Iho di Poutta' (son of a bitch) or 'Yo tengo muchos cohones' (I have big balls.) I managed to continue for some while and Philippe asked me questions. At the end of the class Philippe asked us 'bon, who will we remember?' 'Paul...Tamara...Adrien...Tiff...' we enthused. And then Philippe said 'Stiff, ah but Stiff was fucking good' and then he whistled like Woof! Fucking good.

I remember this feeling of freedom and fun when Philippe asked me to imitate Anton a couple of months ago, and I think eventually this is how you have to feel with every character. Imitating another is liberating to me because you feel like the 'you' has been taken out of the equation (we think... because we are imitating someone else) but really this feeling is simply the absolute enjoyment of your pleasure -your pleasure to be an actor on the stage, your pleasure to be alive, and your pleasure as an actor to make your character dance.

Tomorrow is the last day of the 'characters' workshop and Philippe ended today's class by saying 'Bon, tomorrow perhaps, we will do something interesting'.... The mind reels, all I know is: I cannot wait.