Life begins at Gaulier

I have just finished my third day of study at l'ecole Philippe Gaulier. I have yet not stopped wondering just what exactly is going on. I'm in Paris! In bloody France! Paying to learn from a man who is clearly mad as a box of frogs!

The morning sessions are straightforward enough - it is the movement class, led by a very sweet and convivial Argentinian called Martin (sounds like Martine) we play and exercise and are beginning to learn the art of controlling the body. Afternoons are with Philippe and it is like no workshop environment i have ever encountered. Philippe always wears a hat and his tiny red spectacles are always perched in the middle of his face. He holds a drum on which he beats to punctuate his class. BANG! "You shut up now!" We begin each session with a game called "Bartholomew says" which is a version of 'Simon says.' BANG! "Who wants to be king?" and someone volunteers, everyone else follows behind the king as Bartholomew begins to shout his orders "Bartholomew says run. BANG" From this moment we are just a group of people running around - the entire concept of the king and us running behind as his subjects is totally lost - another moment of total absurdity in the Gaulier classroom - and we continue to play 'simon says.' "BANG! Stop running now! Nooooo there was no Bartholomew says - who stopped? Put your hands up if you stopped! Ah. What do you want?"

This is the part of the game where the running around stops and punishment must be dealt out to those who disobeyed Bartholomew. Philippe asks what you want and you have the following options as reply:
1. Nothing
2. A Kiss
3. Two nothings and a kiss
4. A kiss and four nothings
5. Four nothings and two kisses

The explanations of these are as follows:
1. Nothing - you want nothing, Philippe says 'bon': it is over
2. A kiss - you have to ask someone in the room if they will let you kiss them. If they say yes - then voila! you get to peck them on the cheek. However, if they say no, you must go to Gaulier. Gaulier puts down his drum, wrenches your arm up behind your back and bends you double, so that you wince with pain, then carries out a sequence of torture on you: shampoo (ruffles your skull) guillotine (chops the back of your neck) acupuncture (pinches the flesh on your shoulders) and then Le Pen in Algeria/Guantanamo (grabs your little finger and bends it backwards) Sometimes you get a chinese burn, then you're done.
3. 4. 5. etc etc Two nothings and a kiss - well, two times nothing is still nothing but you want a kiss aswell. Gaulier says you chose the nothings+kiss options if you "are not so confident about your body, if you think people may not kiss you."

Gaullier is funnier than I could have imagined. The rest of the afternoon consists of people doing exercises to the class (15%of the total time) and Philippe discussing if they were so boring we should kill them and how we should do it (85% of the time). For example, he stops a couple and says "so, that was totally boring. That was the most boring day of my life - maybe not the most boring but right up there. What do we think students? Do we think that we love these two, that these two are actors? Or do we think that they should be pharmacist in Sceaux? You go to the pharmacy in Sceaux, you will see, they are fucking boring. So maybe they are pharmacists and we set fire to the pharmacy? What do you think Roger?" Everyone replies that they are boring and that we should kill them - but everytime he says something funnier and more imaginative; i look around at my fellow students gazing upwards adoringly at this fountain, this rock of humour and spirit. He's phenomenal. He speaks slowly and definately. I did an exercise with another girl, and at the end he said: " That was totally boring. you two are totally boring. What do we think class? If these two were primary school teachers, do you think you would learn more, or do you think you burn down the school?

I have no idea what he wants - I guess that he wants us to show imagination, fun and pleasure - but as yet i don't know how to show him those things. It seems that he is creating an environment of silliness and disregard in which we will eventually be able to be free in our playing, but as yet it's a little like sitting with Derek and Clive in the pub, except 'Derek and Clive' are the most interesting, funny and warm old French man I have ever met.